Mood : chaotic
Sorry for my imperfect English. After all, it's not my mother tongue. And I'd rather be ashamed if I can't write Indonesian properly.
Three months until my birthday. Then I’ll leave teenage years. It’s such ashamed that however I’m still not mature yet. In the end, I’m stuck at being egoistical jerk.
I’m back at the way I used to be.
I can no longer laugh for real, and even my enthusiasm began fade away.
At elementary school, I feel the worst years in my life, that I argue maybe it left me traumatized. People that I considered as my friends betrayed me. Even when we played together, we didn’t shared acknowledged, attention, and for the most part, we didn’t share the same bond. We didn’t really care about each other even though I did really care about them.
I’ve got a feeling they left me behind. And maybe they didn’t even notice when I’m gone. That left me retreat to my own sanctuary.
I became bored for anything happen outside myself.
I couldn’t express my real affection toward others.
I emerged as that boring, self-center, stoic girl.
In the next years, I’m glad that I found other that have the same intentioned as me. We played together just for fun, no string attached, no bond that needed to be made. We used each other company for our very own reason. And we left our own contemplations and problems behind for ourselves. Yet when we needed someone to hear us, we’ll listen, but not counseled it. For me, I’m just listened to them.
It’s safe to say that we acknowledge each others as friends.
But now I find people that’ll not let me pass with that kind of ‘friendship’.
I can feel the need to share the same bond with them. And I can’t give that, yet, even though I really want it. I can’t be brave enough to put myself on stake. I’m not ready to give a part of me to others, not even to people that shared the blood with me.
And because of that, they maybe don’t want to give a part of them to me. And because of it, they maybe despise me.
I become a shade of what I used to be.
Feeling of being left behind, and the hurt I felt for that threatening me, again. This self conscious is escalating the lie that I put to myself and others. Lie to defend me from being hurt. Lie about everything is alright, that nothing is change. That nothing happen and we’ll have fun like always. Not known that its only make them despise me more.
Then I lost my laugh, my enthusiasm, and my fake happiness.
And it’s happen when I feel my voice can’t reach out to them, when I can’t make them understand with what I feel, and when I thing they never really that comfortable with the way I bring myself. Our friendship become wobbly and the wound will never disappear. I feel like I’m walking above breakable relationship line.
And that’s happen because of me.
That’s when I started to hate myself again.