Just It

"If at first you don't succeed,


Repeat until caught.

Then lie."

Minggu, September 13, 2009

Lonely Road

Mood : chaotic

Sorry for my imperfect English. After all, it's not my mother tongue. And I'd rather be ashamed if I can't write Indonesian properly.

Three months until my birthday. Then I’ll leave teenage years. It’s such ashamed that however I’m still not mature yet. In the end, I’m stuck at being egoistical jerk.

I’m back at the way I used to be.

I can no longer laugh for real, and even my enthusiasm began fade away.

At elementary school, I feel the worst years in my life, that I argue maybe it left me traumatized. People that I considered as my friends betrayed me. Even when we played together, we didn’t shared acknowledged, attention, and for the most part, we didn’t share the same bond. We didn’t really care about each other even though I did really care about them.

I’ve got a feeling they left me behind. And maybe they didn’t even notice when I’m gone. That left me retreat to my own sanctuary.

I became bored for anything happen outside myself.

I couldn’t express my real affection toward others.

I emerged as that boring, self-center, stoic girl.

In the next years, I’m glad that I found other that have the same intentioned as me. We played together just for fun, no string attached, no bond that needed to be made. We used each other company for our very own reason. And we left our own contemplations and problems behind for ourselves. Yet when we needed someone to hear us, we’ll listen, but not counseled it. For me, I’m just listened to them.

It’s safe to say that we acknowledge each others as friends.

But now I find people that’ll not let me pass with that kind of ‘friendship’.

I can feel the need to share the same bond with them. And I can’t give that, yet, even though I really want it. I can’t be brave enough to put myself on stake. I’m not ready to give a part of me to others, not even to people that shared the blood with me.

And because of that, they maybe don’t want to give a part of them to me. And because of it, they maybe despise me.

I’m sad.

I’m ashamed.

I become a shade of what I used to be.

Feeling of being left behind, and the hurt I felt for that threatening me, again. This self conscious is escalating the lie that I put to myself and others. Lie to defend me from being hurt. Lie about everything is alright, that nothing is change. That nothing happen and we’ll have fun like always. Not known that its only make them despise me more.

Then I lost my laugh, my enthusiasm, and my fake happiness.

And it’s happen when I feel my voice can’t reach out to them, when I can’t make them understand with what I feel, and when I thing they never really that comfortable with the way I bring myself. Our friendship become wobbly and the wound will never disappear. I feel like I’m walking above breakable relationship line.

And that’s happen because of me.

That’s when I started to hate myself again.

10 komentar:

  1. seenggaknya lo terlihat berpotensi buat nulis de. yauda tulisin aja mau lo apaan. apa kek! oh iya, satu lagi: buat fesbuk, hoho!

    haha, tumben kan gw muji. traktir doonngg (maxud terselubung sesungguhnya LOL)

  2. ah decu. gw ga ngerti! *males mikir dan translate*
    yang pasti... aku akan menyambutmu di klub tante 20 tahuun

  3. no, it's not that fragile if you look deeper. few times, maybe. since we are getting better at putting ourselves first. but i think that most of the time we complete each other very well.

    i, personally think that we have a quite strong bond. at mocking people, at judging some cheesy films, at bullying each other. haha. look, we make a perfect chain by being together.

    eh, jgn2 gue salah tangkep??
    anyway selamat idul fitri dan natal 2009
    blah. hahaha.

  4. @della
    ah...fesbuk. males bikinnya oy! ini semua gara2 bertebaran situs manga scan jadinya gue selalu ter-distract oleh 'mereka' hahah
    about traktiran, well, XD

    trimakasih mau menyambut saya di klub tante 20-an tapi gue bener2 berharap gue selamanya anak-anak aja!

    you really think so?
    well, at times I feel my relationship with other is nothing but superficial. Yet at other time, its become real enough, at least for me.
    No you're not get it wrong, this happen because I'm THAT vulnerable (even when nobody, and sometimes myself, can see it).
    But thanks anyway, that 'strong bond' really help me to (truly) laugh^^

    Selamat idul fitri dan natal dan waisak dan nyepi dan berbagai perayaan agama lainnya di tahun 2009, fu.

  5. ah dasar orang gila sok2 bahasa inggris, sengaja biar gw ga bisa baca yak.. gw sampe ngambil kamus dulu nih.. hahaha..
    gw sebenernya kagak ngerti isi postingan lo. tapi lo harus pilih mau gabung di klub tante2 atau klub orang gila?? *ga nyambung*

    ngomong2 postingan lo ini ada hubungannya sama yang kita lakukan di malam itu di rumah odah yak? *hayo melakukan apa??* hahahahaha..

  6. haah, tuh kaann gw ngga ikutan k rmh odahan. huh, pasti ngomongin gw deh!

  7. melakukan ANUAN yang HOT bersama-sama. hahaha biar dellitus tambah penasaran!!

  8. kayaknya kata2 lo,nya, bukan bikin della makin penasaran, tapi "curiga" sama kita trus jauh2 dari kita. hahahaha...

    *pasti decu sebel lagi, soalnya kita chat di blognya dia* ahahahahha...

  9. @dachi
    DASAR kalian (chatting)!
    Hm,,bukan ada hubungannya lagi,,tapi emg ttg ANUAN seperti kata nyanya.ha ha ha (tawa nervous)

    Ngomongin ANUAN sampe HOT banget seperti kata nyanya...wakakakakak!

    @nyanya dan dachi
    jangankan dela, gue sndiri jg jd 'curiga' dgn kalian. Sptnya gue hrs mulai berpikir utk membuat shoutbox spy kalian kaga 'chatting' di bagian komen post!

  10. ih ih ih! musuhan ah gw! huh! liat aja taun depan gw udh ngga mb. ke manapun ayo dah! asal ngga k kampus aja, hahaha (anak pemalas)

    btw, oot @ dachi: eh kok blog lo ngga bs gw komen deh! aneh